The Fast and The Furious

The Fast and The Furious

To this day I still hold The Fast And The Furious responsible for introducing auto-tuning to the general public and inspiring a whole lot of young males to invest their money in chicken-wire, plastic side skirts, flashy stickers and dog ugly spoilers for their cars. I haven’t seen this movie in over ten years and never actually bothered to watch the sequels, but somehow I felt the urge to be a masochist and decided to watch the entire franchise, starting with this one.

The Fast and The Furious is about a cop who goes undercover in a street racing gang in Los Angeles to find out who’s behind a series of robberies on trucks. These trucks are boxed in by a couple of tuned Honda Civics who have green neon lights under the car. So much for the inconspicuousness.
Paul Walker plays a baby faced cop who gets the job to infiltrate the gang of Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) who the cops suspect of being behind the robberies. But as Walker gets more and more involved with Toretto and falls in love with his sister he begins to suspect another gang of doing these heists: evil looking Asians.

Watching this movie I found myself laughing for all the wrong reasons. The stereotypical villains of the Asian gang, the CG-scenes where we travel through the motors of the cars, the action scenes and choices that are made pure for designing reasons. What good is green neon light under the car when you’re using it to rob a truck? How the movie goes out of its way to portray these “raped” cars as being cool and the how much the testosterone drips from the screen with all these guys and Michelle Rodriguez being macho. It reminded me of movies like Commando and Predator. The only difference is that in those movies guys like Schwarzenegger themselves ooze the masculinity, in this movie the men are measured by the specs of their cars.

But question this: how macho could a movie be when it has Ja-Rule playing a character named Edwin?

The cars portrayed are usually cars you can get relatively cheap second hand and then are completely reworked. At some point someone mentioned that a car has $100.000 of work done which made me wonder; if you have that kind of money, why not go out and buy a car originally built for these speeds? Maybe tune that car a little a more to your own liking. But luckily the Fast And The Furious has inserted for me a little scene where a tuned car has a race with a Ferrari. Guess who wins?
To me it didn’t matter that the Ferrari lost, at the end of the day Toretto still drives a dog ugly tuned car, while the Ferrari still looks classic and has more status dan a suped up Volkswagen Jetta will ever have.

This movie is the reason a smell function would not work on television, because after watching it your room would smell like a mixture of fumes, oil and sweat for days. Good luck getting that out of the drapes.

The Fast and The Furious is a mashup of racing movies from the 70’s and the action movies from the 80’s, with all of its homo-erotic undertones included here. Though Walker’s character is supposed to have an eye for Toretto’s sister, it’s he and Toretto who are constantly giving each other meaningful looks. At one point Walker starts laughing and Toretto asks why. “Dude, I almost had you” was his response. I frowned at that moment realizing the double entendre.
These guys want to be with each other, pure and simple. There’s even the character of Vince who’s instantly jealous of Walker’s good looks. It’s no wonder that some of these cars have all the colors of a rainbow.

The Fast And The Furious is described as being an action movie about men with fast cars, to me it’s a comedy about men with small penises.

The Fast and The Furious Screenshot
Paul Walker has got a salmon pink one, while Vin Diesel has a big black one that he can get up.
The Fast and The Furious
The Fast and The Furious Poster
The Fast and The Furious

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