New Moon

New Moon

Books and movies are two entirely different media and when it comes to adaptations they should be judged entirely separate. You can say that you found the book to be better, or the movie, but when addressing certain elements in the movie you can’t defend that with the comment that it was all explained in the book. Such is the case here with New Moon where for instance it has been noticed that all the werewolf characters are running around shirtless in the forest for no good reason. The fans, and there are many, then quickly shout at you how this is normal because werewolves have a higher temperature and thus have it too hot when wearing clothes. Strangely though they do all wear pants, which made me conclude that they probably have very cold penises or something like that. What’s even more stranger is that the pants disappear when they transform into a werewolf and yet magically reappear when they morph back… unless there are pants hidden everywhere in the woods. Welcome to the world of Twilight where magical clothing is even more noticeable than the stretching purple pants of the Hulk.

This world is fairly different from our own, because in a regular world someone will start asking questions when a half naked muscular guy comes out of the woods with an unconscious missing girl in his hands. This is one of the strangest moments in the movie which is quite a feat considering this is a movie about sparkling vampires. Yet nobody ever asks questions about why these four guys are constantly running through the woods half naked, even when it rains. A strange world this is indeed.

But enough with the nitpicking because I did found certain parts surprisingly engaging and at times got the hope that this could become an enjoyable movie, and it does for a certain amount of its running time. Those parts were when Edward left town and Jacob decided to get a little closer to Bella. At those moments the movie felt like it was a sweet romance story about two kids who you would believe would fall in love in reality. Not that Bella has an eye for Jacob, since she’s crying over Edward’s leaving for months in the movie. Yet this center part of the movie felt the most alive and fun. It has some awkward moments but on a whole this was quite enjoyable. And it included a cool action sequence also in which a pack of wolves fight a vampire. Sadly the last half hour the movie suddenly shifts to Italy and goes entirely in the wrong direction. I don’t like the character of Edward and I don’t believe the relationship with Bella at all. Here’s this pale and skinny guy with one facial expression whispering all the time and never having any fun. He’s like Steven Seagal, the only difference is Seagal smiles more often in his movies which is saying something. He might be strong psychically yet he acts like a total wimp with his so called moral dilemmas. The dude looks like he’s going to cry any minute now… What kind of girl would fall for someone like that?

Which brings me to Bella who is basically in every frame of the movie. She’s a pretty girl and has no problem attracting a new male after being dumped as is evident in the movie where she has two new men chasing her. But Bella acts like stalker material, obsessing over her long lost love for months. I get the idea that she’s heartbroken over Edward leaving, but for this long? In real life a normal woman, as Bella is kind of supposed to be, would have had Jacob in her bed. Edward who?
Which reminds me, Edward and Bella seem to have some kind of platonic fourth-grade relationship; they just kiss and that’s it or so it seems. Nothing hot and steamy going on here, just holding hands and kiss occasionally. For a couple to be so in love they’re obsessing over each other there are certainly no sparks to be seen. Let me correct myself by stating that fourth graders have even more fun together then these two have.

Despite being surprised on how “good” the midsection of the movie was, that doesn’t take away that the first and last half hour are pretty crappy. Not even Michael Sheen could save it, and if someone could it’s him. I’m hoping that Jacob and Bella get a second chance and Edward dies, but then again I was hoping for Edward to succeed when he was trying to commit suicide. I fear the worst.

New Moon Screenshot
Say hello to Tony Montana’s little sister
New Moon
New Moon Poster
New Moon

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