Video game movies: the type of movie which has as much chance at critical and commercial success as Nickelback. Nowadays there have been some movies based upon video games released which are considered to be decent, but when the first properties were transferred from the small screen to the big screen in the early 90s they all sucked so hard it would pull a golf ball through a garden hose. Yes, that was a Full Metal Jacket reference.
One of the movies that sucked the least was Mortal Kombat. That movie might not be great art, but it had a simple story-line, some nice fights and was at least faithful to the original premise of the game resulting in a two-star rating by me. Something you can hardly say about movies like Super Mario Bros or Street Fighter.
Too bad the sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, it right down there at the bottom of the barrel with them.
Naked Souls: a movie so filled with random nudity it should have been called Naked Bodies. The main attraction here is Pamela Anderson, though her role is more of a supporting character despite being featured on the DVD cover. It should come to you as no surprise that much of the nudity is provided by Ms. Anderson. A movie in which Pamela Anderson has a big part, but no sex scenes is like pizza without cheese. It can still be enjoyed, but there is something missing. If the amount of cheese on a pizza is an indication for nudity in a movie, then Naked Souls is the Quatro Formaggi of movies.Read more
The 2003 Daredevil movie starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner: probably the strongest sedative available without a prescription. While that can be said about the theatrical cut, those wanting something more potent should definitely check out the director’s cut like I did. I slept like a baby for three days after watching that thing. It’s puzzling that this movie isn’t regulated by the FDA. You might wonder how it’s possible that a movie starring Ben Affleck walking around in a red tight leather outfit accompanied by Jennifer Garner wearing a black tight leather outfit could be so coma-inducing, but somehow they managed to pull it off. Looking at it from a positive angle: it’s something!
Watching a Pamela Anderson movie and expecting a good movie is the same as walking into a McDonalds restaurant and expecting Haute Cuisine. There are simply no good Pamela Anderson movies. Even her one and only attempt at making a decent movie, Barb Wire, was a failure. Snapdragon was her first movie and an obvious rip-off of Basic Instinct; a movie every erotic thriller made after it seemed to be ripping off. Just like that movie, Snapdragon revolves around a femme fatale. Quite literally as this lethal female is posing as a prostitute and killing men by cutting the artery in their necks with a sharp blade stuck between her teeth. Can you guess who is playing the role of the femme fatale?
Erika Eleniak: a model turned actress with not only a name that sounds Swedish, but also looks Swedish. In the early 90s Miss Eleniak was responsible for giving young boys certain tingles in their loins as she ran across the beach in a tight red bathing suit every week in Baywatch. This was before one Pamela Anderson took over and became the center of attention. Women like Eleniak are usually only destined to perform one type of role: the hot chick. Whether that would be in the form of a sidekick or, as she is in this case, the antagonist: her character trait is that she’s incredibly hot and can seduce every man she runs into. The 1994 comedy Chasers is no different as she plays probably the hottest female prisoner you will ever see on screen in a movie, which is directed by none other than Dennis Hopper.
Barb Wire is the holy grail of guilty pleasures. What’s not to love about this loose remake of Casablanca in which the Humphrey Bogart role is played by a voluptuous Playboy Bunny walking around in tight leather outfits which is barely able to contain her enormous bosom? Russ Meyer would have loved this concept and to be honestly, so do I. Call me sexist, but in a world where entire flocks of women go to the cinema to watch Channing Tatum take his shirt off in Magic Mike, it’s safe to say that it’s perfectly justified for me watching this movie and appreciate it for the excellent trash that it is.
It doesn’t happen often but people have actually warned me about “Hellraiser: Revelations”. When asked if I had already seen it, to which I replied with a simple no, they elaborated on how much of a shit fest this movie is. The rating on the IMDB doesn’t help and the average review is in line with what my friends were stating about the movie, only in more dignified words. So I never bothered to watch it since it was apparently only made so the studio could hold onto the rights of the Hellraiser franchise and had some no-name actor take over from Doug Bradley in the role that he made iconic: Pinhead.
The depiction of computers and everything directly related to them in movies: something which has puzzled me for some time now. The time when computers where these magical machines where you would type something in and stuff would happen has been long gone. Hollywood has been using the mystique of the computer for decades now without ever fully comprehending the machine itself. Movies like WarGames, The Lawnmower Man, Swordfish and The Net would use the concept of computers, hacking and the internet in a way that might be entertaining but wasn’t realistic. Especially The Net and Swordfish took the concept of hacking depicted on the screen to new lows with illogical user interfaces and in the case of the latter the image of Hugh Jackman in front of a dozen screens. No hacker needs 20 screens to gain illegal access to something. They use mostly one, maybe two screens but that’s it. Who could focus on 20 screens at the same time anyway? With my very low esteem of Hollywood and the way that they present computer related elements on screen, it should come as no surprise that I didn’t expect much from the eight Hellraiser installment: Hellworld.
Hellraiser: Deader is the seventh Hellraiser movie in a series which, at this point, has no real ties anymore to how it all once started. As you could have read in my review of Hellraiser: Hellseeker, that was the only movie to have some sort of connection to the first two movies by having Ashley Laurence reprise her role as Kirsty, but her role was nothing more than a glorified cameo. “Deader” continues the trend of psychological horror movie scripts, which are lying around in the offices of the Dimension movie studio, being rewritten to fit the Hellraiser mold. This time it revolves around a reporter who comes into the possession of the notorious puzzle box. Gee, where have I seen that before? Oh yeah, Hellraiser III.
The Hellraiser series is mostly known spawning the famous horror icon Pinhead, who has become the face of the franchise. He was never supposed to be the star of the show, but by putting him on his own on the movie poster it had audiences believe he was. The clever writing of the character as well as the imposing performance by Doug Bradley elevated Pinhead from a supporting character to the central and recurring figure in all of the Hellraiser movies. There is one other character in the franchise that has become synonymous with the series: Kirsty Cotton, the young girl who saw her father, uncle and stepmom end up in Hell but evaded the hooked chains herself on multiple occasions. The last we saw of her was on a tape shown in Hellraiser III, where she was apparently hospitalized and put under psychiatric care. The sixth movie in the Hellraiser franchise, subtitled ‘Hellseeker’, sees the return of the young woman who was clever enough to outsmart Pinhead and his Cenobites not once, but twice even.